• boogetyboo@aussie.zone
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    3 hours ago

    Something that only occurred to me just now is that when I was in my 20s and early 30s and still assumed I’d have children (despite that looming self imposed pressure feeling exactly like dread), the parent-child relationship I had imagined in my head was set in the past.

    I grew up in the 90s and early 00s. I’m an elder millennial. I think my gen was very lucky in that we got to see and enjoy the rapid emergence of technology before today’s capitalistic enshittification but our interpersonal dynamics and everything we did didn’t rely on it either. So the ‘come home when it gets dark’ or ‘I’ll meet you at 4 at the cinema’ mentality was still strong. No social media or inability to switch off the connection to other people.

    We also didn’t have the existential crises that come with thinking about climate change, the death of truth and the rise of misinformation, and the next pandemic.

    So when I was picturing raising a child it was in a dated context that for the most part doesn’t exist anymore. Yes there’s exceptions to everything - I’m speaking in a very general sense - but I cannot imagine myself growing up in today’s world. I had a hard enough time back then, with similar struggles most kids have. How the fuck would I help my own child navigate it???

    No thanks.

  • Sturgist@lemmy.ca
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    3 hours ago

    I’m 38, wife is 40, absolutely heartbreaking. We’ve been trying for 5 years, went to the NHS for IVF, but because of the pandemic we “aged out” of multiple rounds. The one go we had didn’t result in pregnancy, and if we can’t conceive with as many rounds as we can afford private were planning to adopt. Which is pretty difficult in the UK actually.

  • Empricorn@feddit.nl
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    7 hours ago

    Like Freedom. I love my niece and nephew and enjoy spending time with them. But if I had to feed, clothe, clean up after, provide for, and entertain them 24 hours a day (not even considering when they were babies!)… I literally cannot imagine it.

  • OceanSoap@lemmy.ml
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    7 hours ago

    Honestly? Kinda lonely. I’ll be 40 in a few months. I’m a woman, if the perspective matters .

    I was engaged to the man I thought I’d marry and have kids with, but it didn’t turn out to be the case, and although I learned how to choose better and what to look out for, I also wonder if I’m ever going to get to have a family of my own. It’s been 6 years now since that fell apart, and I had to do a lot in that time to get back onto my feet, but the few relationships I’ve had since then are fleeting. Men seem afraid of commitment now, and it’s hard not to completely fall to the idea that I’m just too old, which is what society is consistently screaming at me.

    I don’t feel old.

    I am tired of searching though. At some point I will get to where I’m too old and that makes me sad to think about.

    • tamal3@lemmy.world
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      4 hours ago

      Too old to have biological children, yes, but my 72 year old father has been in a new relationship for about a year and they seem super happy together.

  • Wahots@pawb.social
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    6 hours ago

    Not to that age yet, but I feel slightly envious of families that I see at downhill mountain bike parks or camping or sledding. I want to have a family just like that someday :)

  • dependencyinjection@discuss.tchncs.de
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    8 hours ago

    Erm… normal I guess. I don’t know what it would feel like with children.

    What I do know is I would be a terrible parent, I only got my shit together in my late thirties and I wouldn’t have been a good parent, so it’s good for the kids that I didn’t have any.

  • Adderbox76@lemmy.ca
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    9 hours ago

    Best decision my (now ex) wife and I ever made. Not because we are divorced now. But because

    a) I’m free to live my own life. and

    b) Even back when kids was an option, she and I both kind of saw the world that was coming and decided that we didn’t want to subject our children or grandchildren to the world that was turning to shit.

    Looking around today, I feel absolutely vindicated for taking that stance back in the early 2000’s when I was married.

  • fart_pickle@lemmy.world
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    13 hours ago

    Pardon my French but it feels fucking awesome. I’ve been able to travel the world. I have developed hobbies that I wouldn’t be able to do so with kids. I have saved a lot of money and I have been able to advance my career.

    As for passing my knowledge/experience, I volunteer at various charities where I can influence young minds. I don’t believe that passing on genes down the line is the best I can do. The best I can do is to help young people achieve their goals.

    Now, to address few some clichés. On my deathbed I will get the glass of water from a highly paid nurse. The “warm bed” is not the issue for me. When I go I will leave my possessions to a charity of my choice.

  • NigelFrobisher@aussie.zone
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    16 hours ago

    I’ve gone from worrying what would have happened in my children’s lifetime to worrying what will happen within my lifetime so I’m good.

  • zxqwas@lemmy.world
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    18 hours ago

    They told me I’d change my mind about not wanting kids when I got older. I’m still waiting for it to change.

  • fmstrat@lemmy.nowsci.com
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    13 hours ago

    Great, for me. For others, I imagine it will depend on factors such as having a compatible partner in agreement.

  • leah@lemm.ee
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    17 hours ago

    Happy I didn’t fuck up my life and the lives of my progeny by birthing them.

  • Shelena@feddit.nl
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    19 hours ago

    Sad and empty. I love kids. I had fertility treatments for years, but that did not work out. I will start IVF again in a couple of days. Hopefully it will work this time. It is one of my last chances.

    I would like to adopt or have foster kids. However, I suffer from PTSD and in my country it is very difficult to adopt or foster if you have a background with mental illness. Even though my psychologist and the people in my environment all say that they think I would be able to do it and my partner does not have any mental illness, my chances are very low.

    To be honest, looking any further than the next IVF makes me panic. I do not know how to live with not having kids and how to deal with that. I had a lot of bad stuff happen to me. Having children would be something I believe would have made me very happy. It feels like I failed at life. However, I just turned 40, so I know I need to give up at some point.

    • Akasazh@feddit.nl
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      9 hours ago

      Don’t give up on it! But don’t stake your lives success on it.

      Me and my wife are not going to have children (she’s about ten years older then you are, we had a miscarriage and left it at that) but we have it great together.

      I know it’s too deaf ears atm and I really hope you’ll get your wish, but please don’t wager your personal happiness on it, that’s disrespectful of yourself.

      • Shelena@feddit.nl
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        2 hours ago

        Thank you for the kind message. It is good to hear that it is possible to have it great even after a miscarriage. I have had two miscarriages and two biochemical pregnancies. I did not really have time tomprocess this yet, as I had to continue treatment as my fertility is further declining due to my age. I think that might be part of the emotions as well.

        It is difficult for me to not wager my personal happiness on it. I have a small nephew and when I take care of him, it just makes me very happy. It makes me feel like I would be as happy or even happier with my own child. Also, I was abused as a child and I feel that I did not have parents that really loved me. It feel unfair that I am not able to experience the mother/child bond from the perspectives of a child as well as that of a motger.

        I also tried to take care of my younger siblings when I was a child. I was able to provide them with some of the emotional support my parents failed to provide, but because I was too young myself I always felt like I was not able to give them what they need. I am an adult now and I feel like I am capable now of providing children with a safe and warm environment. And I feel like I have all this love to give, but there is no child to give it to. I do not know where to put it.

        I don’t know. Having a child will not fix all of this and a child does not exist to fix this or to make me happy. However, it could have been an area of my life that could have been beautiful and where I might have been able to give something and be valuable. And instead, this also does not work out and is another thing that goes on the pile of things that have failed in my life.

        I agree that staking my life’s success on it is not a good idea. But I am not sure what else I have left. I am trying to become a writer and I am writing down all my experiences from my youth and with my sister who passed away and my fertility treatments, and so on. Maybe it can help some people who experience the same things. I think that might be fulfilling maybe and a way to create something positive out of the things that feel negative now.