I just use the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. I’m autistic, diagnosed in 2016. One thing I’ve noticed when hanging out with other autistics: they all want to talk about their special interest, and will go on for hours unhindered, but you can try to make conversation about something they don’t care about for 5 minutes and they don’t even pay attention. I’m definitely guilty of this, to a degree. I think that’s part of having autism. But the next time someone is telling you about something and you find you don’t care, consider what it would feel like if you were discussing your special interest with someone and they just acted disinterested the whole time. Doesn’t feel good, does it?

It’s important to realize that in conversations, most people don’t care about topics, they care about the person to whom they’re speaking. When you speak to someone, you’re signing up to have a conversation with them, not necessarily about something. For example, my fiancee is really into musical theatre, and I’m not. I don’t understand any of the terminology, or what even goes into a stage show. But I love her, and if she wants to talk about it, you bet your ass I’m sitting and asking questions because I know I’m going to end up telling her about Black Ops II Zombies lore for like 2 hours straight later. It’s not necessarily transactional, it just would be a terrible relationship if I only talked to her about my interests.

There is no social game. Well, probably to some psychopaths somewhere there is. But people ask you questions about things in your life because that is one of the ways people show interest in others. It’s nothing to do with gaming the social system - they are interested in talking to you, so they give you opportunities to talk about yourself, your interests, and what you’ve been doing. Sure, they probably don’t “care” about what they’re asking about the same way you do, but they’re not asking out of some cold, machine like formula that lets them climb up the social ladder - it’s just how being social works.

I’ll leave you with this thought: being able to listen to and understand the feelings of someone else in a situation you have no attachment to is empathy. Studies on empathy have shown that it is a skill that can be improved, not a static thing that’s rationed out to you in a certain amount at birth. One good way to work on empathy is to imagine yourself as the other person. So, the next time someone’s telling you about something you don’t care about, you could imagine being in their shoes. You may realize that they have something worth caring about after all, and though you may not care as much as they do, you may appreciate what they have to say just a bit more.

EDIT: I’ve seen the double empathy problem elsewhere in this thread. I would like to point out that empathy is literally all about trying to understand someone in spite of what differences you have. So don’t read that and assume there can’t be allistic-autistic empathy. Read that and acknowledge that it’s harder to empathize with allistics, and try to learn how anyway because that is empathy. Or don’t, idk. I’ve found the double empathy problem to be true in my life, and I’ve also found that building empathy toward allistics and all the things I don’t understand about them has done me a world of good and made it easier for them to empathize with me.

No, but I’m depressed most of the time so I don’t really care about a lot.

Trust me, parents know that not everyone cares about babies. But those who do sometimes care a LOT. My parents live hundreds of miles away from their grandchildren and love to see even small updates about them. Same with many cousins, aunties, and faraway friends. I don’t need you to be interested. I understand if you are not. What I don’t understand is why we can’t just coexist on this. Every so often I need to listen to a post like this declaring how much you don’t care about babies and kids. Does this make you feel better or something? Everyone was a baby once. Everyone had a parent. Can we just allow that this is a normal part of life and not some bizarre niche interest that’s getting shoved in your face out of the blue? Damn. /rant

Hmm. Being interested in what is going on in your friends or loved ones life is a way of caring about a person. Do you like to share any details about your life at all with friends or family? What connects you to these people? Or is it you just don’t care about these parts of others lives?

I wouldn’t call it dishonest it would call it caring for another human being doing things you don’t care for for another person builds closeness, familiarity, and tightens bonds. Knowing or listening to details of other people’s lifes just deepens lore and fills out things that are happening in someone’s life.

You are probably a bit autistic. As you see the world a bit as black and white and don’t understand why you do a thing you dont like. That or you don’t actually care about these other people and you are narcissistic and only using these people. The world is gray.

Depends a lot on the details and execution.

Some friends can tell a good story about having a beer anywhere. Other folks would make meeting (some well liked celebrity) tedious.

I’m a little too deep into the “I had an onion on my belt” side of things, so I try to be patient with other people’s meanderings.

About a new baby? Yes, show me pictures. Also your new kittens, kitchen, a cake you made, a painting you painted, sure, yes.

Vacation not so much.

But these weaker social connections are so important to life and to society. You can’t sort people into friends or strangers, care and don’t care. There is a lot of room in between - people you know but aren’t close with are most of the people you know. It doesn’t matter if you are just following the forms, that’s fine. Keep on doing that, be nice.

I care about my friends’ babies, but that’s mostly because I get to interact with them. The rest is mostly just politeness.

I generally don’t really care but am happy for them. I very much care about them getting new dogs, though. Send me all the dog stuff.

The framing of this question is interesting. “…or are you just being nice?” Seems to assume that being nice is not a legitimate or authentic way of being, maybe unless it is a means of getting something you want.

A psychiatrist once told me “If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that people really do think differently from each other.” I can accept this as true but it really boggles my mind sometimes when I think I have caught a glimpse of someone’s fundamental assumptions that are so different from mine.

I have met a few people who have said things like “I don’t have time for small talk or chitchat, it is meaningless noise to me.” I thought to myself “OK, you’re not getting invited to my bar-b-que then.” Which was probably fine with them. Still, it’s hard for me to imagine having that mindset. Maybe when I was a teen it might have been said of me that I was self-absorbed and didn’t care about anyone else, but I certainly did care, more than I was able to express.

I occasionally encounter people -some way past their teen years- who have no interest in any of the things that I am into, but want to endlessly info-dump to me about My Little Pony or whatever their special interest is. I listen, not because I am particularly interested in My Little Pony, and not because I am “just being nice.” There is another reason, and I don’t think of it as transactional or “playing a social game.”

If there is any point to my rambling it is that I find the either/or thinking of the question reductionist and over simplified. I think this is one of the aspects of autism that makes it a disorder or disability for some people, because the very rigid black and white thinking can create a lot of frustration when reality doesn’t conform to their internal strict rules.

Friends? Sure.

Coworkers? No.

I am autistic, and honestly OP, I feel very similar. But based on the comments, I’m starting to think that we’re both narcissists haha

I have this particular issue with a house mate who is self-obsessed and wants to do nothing but brag about his charisma and intelligence to anyone who dares come downstairs for a split second. He’ll go on for hours, and re-tell everything if someone else comes in. He kind of caricature-ises this whole experience for me. He has trapped me in a convo for so long that I’ve had evening plans ruined, even after telling him multiple times that I’ve got to go. No point pretending with him, you literally have to just ignore his existence and leave. Grim.

With friends and family? It depends.

For friends, I care if they’re very close (1 of a handful of people), not because of the topic itself. What I’m really listening out for is how they have been affected by the experience.

For more distant friends, acquaintances, colleagues… generally no.

I, for one, absolutely LOVE it when people talk about things that excite them. I ask questions because I want to see them get even more excited or passionate. I would honestly be hurt by someone like the OP, only pretending to be interested, because then with no follow up questions or anything, I would assume the conversation is going nowhere and would probably stop even trying to interact with them.

Most times, i’m being nice. But I do care about the moments that make my friends happy.

I don’t always care about the specific thing very much, but I have learned to recognize when someone wants to share their life experience. And they’ve chosen to share their life experience with me. It takes a bit of extra effort, in an “Okay, what about any of this interests me, so I can ask questions from that perspective,” but I’ll always try to find something to say that makes the other person feel appreciated for sharing. Because it’s probably not that they want me to “see what they’ve done” and more that they want to engage on a personal level with another human being.

It’s a lot easier for me to support that engagement when I look at the interaction through that lens. I don’t always get opportunities to engage like that with other people, and it’s probably healthy for me to accept those opportunities when they come.

1. You care about your baby and your vacation. Being excited to share that with other people is normal, and when you share something you’re excited about with other people, it feels good; you get a serotonin boost and relive it in your mind. That process requires two people. It’s a social contract. The other person is going to get relatively little out of the situation, but perhaps they get a little nostalgia recounting their own experiences and thinking back to their own kids. You should play along and ask questions because it makes them feel good, and later on, when you’re jazzed about something, they might return the favor.

2. When someone is excited to recount a vacation abroad, it’s a learning experience. Where did you go? What did you like? How were the people? What was hard about it? How much did it cost? Assuming you get to travel, it might give you helpful information that will make you more at ease with making your own plans.

3. Children: When you have them, most people get rewired a little. You go from OH KILL ME NOW, THERE’S A CRYING BABY ON THE PLANE to, ohh god, she must be miserable scared and confused, somebody snuggle that baby. When I see my coworker’s baby, I get a wave of feelings/memories from when I cradled my own.

I think I get your frustration, and it echoes my own from years ago. My recommendation is to learn to play social the games. It doesn’t take as long as it feels like it will out of your day to act compassionate. Making those connections with people and how those people see you is important. It opens opportunities and can give you comfort and give them greater patience with you when you need them to be patient. You might also find that moving through the motions strengthens your empathy.